“What is done in love is done well.”
Vincent Van Gogh
I’ve finally decided on a word for twenty-nineteen: “becoming.” Usually when I keep noticing a word, one which keeps returning in quotes or in moments or conversations, it means that I need to pay attention to that concept.
Last year, it was “magic,” because in 2018 I wanted to encounter the world and watch as magic happened and dreams—like attending my dream college and studying abroad like I’ve wanted to do for years—came true. I wanted to leave space for the unknown and impossible to work in my life. This year, I think “becoming” summarizes the state of life that I’m in right now. I’m in an in-between. A season of waiting. A time to make every day beautiful.
Unlike previous years, I’ve actually extended my new year planning to fill the entire month of January. I spent that first month with a slower entry into the year—rather than attack my goals right away, I wanted to set intentions for the year ahead and really focus on what I want to do and feel this year. As I currently approach my twenty-first birthday, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I became the person I am today.
At age fifteen, I remember going through life with uncertainty, second-guessing what I wanted, and always feeling like I should be somewhere other than where I was. For most of my teen years, I compared myself to others, doubted my self-worth, and felt lost and uncertain about what made me me. In the last five years, I’ve been on a journey that has led me closer and closer to the person God means me to be. I used to think I was alone in the struggle of feeling lost. Now, I realize that this is a normal part of becoming.
If that’s you today, and if you’re struggling to understand what sets you apart and makes you different from the rest of the world, today’s blog post is a cache of ideas on how to explore your own mind and discover who you are becoming.
your thoughts
Firstly (and most importantly), go buy yourself a journal and begin to fill it with all your random thoughts, no matter how insignificant. Scribble in it, record the quotes that shake you to the core, write down grocery lists and song lyrics you liked on the radio. Redesign your room. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you begin to get all your thoughts out of your mind and onto paper. What do you write when no one sees?
When I have a lot on my mind, I like to do stream-of-consciousness journaling, which is just sitting down for twenty minutes and writing, nonstop, with no filter, until I finally feel my mind quieting. Once it’s down on paper, I can usually figure out what’s on my mind.
Let your journal become your safe place, where you fill the pages with “the breathings of your heart,” in the words of Wordsworth. What’s on your mind? What matters to you? What do you think but never say? Who are the most influential people in your life, and why? If your life were a movie, what are the specific moments ands scenes that would stand out as shaping you into who you are now?
the books on your shelf
What stories matter to you? Which books have left you thinking long after you finished them? Take a look at your bookshelves and notice the titles. What subjects and words keep recurring? Travel memoirs, children’s lit, mysteries, historical fiction, ancient myths, fairy tales? The books you love tell you who you are and what you love.
your taste in music
I’ve found that if you love a song, it’s probably because of one of three reasons. Maybe you like the sound. Maybe you resonate with the lyrics or the meaning it evokes. Or maybe, the song is connected to a specific moment or memory in your life.
When you begin to separate the songs you like into these categories, you’ll soon notice running themes. What do your favorite lyrics tell you about how you see the world? What melodies and genres are playing on your internal radio? Your taste in music will change over time, of course, just like you will change. But the music we love reflects who we are.
Lately I’ve been returning to the old favorites of mine, the slow and thoughtful 90’s rock that shaped the soundtrack of my life just after high school: the Fray, Five for Fighting, OneRepublic, Goo Goo Dolls, Vance Joy, and Kodaline. I think this is partly because I’m in a place in my life where I’m returning to my older circumstances and learning to reinvent it for myself, to bring beauty to the everyday moments in this chapter of my life.
pinterest boards
Pinterest is pretty much the modern fabulous version of cutting pictures out of magazines and making a vision board. It’s an amazing way, especially for visual people, to get a grasp of what your dreams actually look like. Make a new board and fill it with inspiring pictures of the life you’d lead if failure didn’t exist. Find your favorite color schemes, figure out your favorite flower, and find symbols that represent the stage of life you’re in right now. What little moments would make up your day?
your wardrobe
The way you dress expresses who you are, who you want to be, and sometimes even what you do for a living. Wearing a favorite outfit can give you the confidence you need to conquer the day. Use Pinterest or Instagram to figure out your ideal style and get rid of the clothes that you don’t like or need anymore. There’s a million and one articles out there about how to cultivate your own sense of style and it’s definitely worth looking into if you need to figure out how the clothes you wear can better reflect the person you’re becoming.
expression
There are so many ways to know yourself: playlists for your different moods, redecorating your bedroom to bring new energy to a space, write your dream resume including all the things you want to have accomplished, create projects that make you excited, take some pretty pictures and begin making your Instagram account an expression of all the things you love about your life.
One last note before we wrap up: Please, please realize that no one will ever be you. Beauty isn’t in your face or figure; it’s in your soul. You need to believe that of yourself before anyone else does. There will never be anyone who thinks as you do, who is shaped as you are, who speaks and wonders and acts like you.
Everything in your life is art. You’ve already begun to become even if you don’t recognize it yet. The way you encounter people, the way you see the world. All these things—your taste in music, literature, movies, clothes, hobbies, friends—are expressions of yourself. All creation reflects a piece of the creator.
I’m beginning to think that we never will reach our truest selves. Life is a journey—year by year, we uncover deeper and deeper layers of the person God intends us to be.
Life is not a state of being, but becoming.
<3 Olivia Grace
